ROOTS FIRST - 2011
I Had Never Heard the Word Narcissist Before In My Entire Life -- I Thought I Was Going Insane
Remember, Narcissus was not in love with himself. He was in love with his own FALSE IMAGE of himself.
Introduction to the series…
Thirty two years in, a journal begins for my own self survival. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, so I had to document it. This is that journal, uncensored — along with some current commentary.
2011
Wednesday
March 2, 2011
I realized today that Jeff grew up being totally ignored by everyone around him. As a small child, that made him go inward & we’ve talked about that many times. But even more so, it caused his overall thinking to become isolated and very small in scope. His personal thinking model does not include the well being of other people. His thinking does not include the “make you proud” mentality that so many others enjoy and take for granted. He doesn’t expect someone else to care for him, nor to care about him. And I’m using the word ‘care’ in the actual sense of one person taking care of another. So, since this is his only experience, it’s what he applies when it comes to others. It’s not malicious, it’s learned behavior. (*Is that sociopathic?)
Sociopathic describes traits linked to Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), a mental health condition characterized by a persistent disregard for others, lack of empathy or remorse, deceit, manipulation, impulsiveness, and a disregard for rules or social norms, often leading to harmful exploitation of others, though not always involving violence. Psychopathy is
Psychopathy is a personality disorder marked by a pervasive pattern of callousness, manipulation, shallow emotions, and antisocial behavior, involving a profound lack of empathy, guilt, and remorse, often masked by superficial charm, leading to exploitative relationships, impulsivity, irresponsibility, and a higher risk of criminality, with roots in both genetics and environment, though effective treatment for adults remains challenging, focusing on early intervention for children.
Saturday
March 19, 2011 ~ Super Moon…
So, what we discover today, is that I was raised expected to excel and achieve and Jeff was raised expected to fail. And that he adopted that premise as a core belief and NEVER LOOKED BACK! Eyes to the sidewalk until further instruction. Don’t attempt to achieve, so you won’t be disappointed…and we won’t be disappointed…and we won’t have to clean up behind you, whatever mess you’ll likely create. Just sit down and be quiet until I call on you. Like luggage. (*He was actually told — by Christian parents — that “children were to be seen and not heard” was a Bible verse. It most assuredly is not.)
(Now, we’re talking about an extremely handsome man here, but once, as an insecure adolescent, he asked his mother about his looks. BIG mistake. She said, "Don't worry about it, son. You're ugly just like me." Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, mom.)
So he learned to expect nothing of himself, also. Now, the problem comes when I don’t realize this and I expect GREAT THINGS from him! (*I believe in him and his unlimited potential and I continually express that!) Would I marry an idiot…!?! NO! Would I marry beneath me, beneath my intellect…!?! NO! But I am continually disappointed and therefore frustrated when my expectations of excellence are never met!
Hmmm…They were unjustly disappointed in him…the result is not that I am unfairly disappointed in him…hmmm…But it’s unfair to ME (also), not just him…hmmm…
So if he harbors hurt and therefore unforgiveness about the disappointment and lowered expectations his parents had for him, that can only mean he will cause ADDITIONAL disappointment to be manifested in his life, even if it’s for a different reason…!!! EUREKA…!!!
People told me I was capable. I had to believe it, even when I didn’t think it. People told Jeff he was incapable. He had to believe it, even when he didn’t think it…
Monday
April 4, 2011
Rejection and incompetence…and the fear thereof…causes one to behave incompetently and thereby garner rejection. The thing you fear comes upon you. (*Job 3:25)
He admits my extreme competence intimidates him…that makes me want to scream… (*What am I supposed to do, dumb myself down for his comfort!?! NO! That’s not how this works!)
He admits he shrinks back from duty and responsibility out of fear of incompetence and thereby, rejection.
He admits he is a control freak and exercises said control by withholding affection. (*This makes for a cold and lonely life for both of us, but it is, after all, his own choice.)
He admits he is proud, haughty, rebellious and stiff-necked about total surrender and submission to having his heart/soul completely broken down by God, to be rebuilt whole. I think this is the final frontier…
Help me, God…
Saturday
April 16, 2011
Bethenny Frankel’s (Bravo’s “Real Housewives of New York City”) birthday meltdown… Bethenny hates birthdays.
(But then, ALL narcissists hate birthdays and holidays.)
NARCISSIST HATES HAPPY PEOPLE AND HOLIDAYS
ABUSE VICTIMS DREAD HOLIDAYS AND BIRTHDAYS
Revelers beware.
April, sometime…
The hillbillies hit by the train story…
(I remember the story — the entire family was in a car stuck on the train tracks when a train hit them — they all survived — but I can’t remember my point in referencing that here at the time…sorry.)
Tuesday
May 10, 2011
Jeff is losing his business (*OUR business) and his father at the same time (his father is dying). He is doing surprisingly well. (*Largely unemotional about both.)
ROOTS FIRST
The narcissist must drill down to the TRUTH of the matter, past wounds, at the very ROOT, in order to get rid of that root of bitterness once and for all — literally.
When you kill the ROOT, you kill the fruit. The ultimate ROOT killer?
FORGIVENESS.
Stay tuned…more to come…
My husband was not raised in a Christian home, but was treated the same as your husband. “You’re stupid, you are fat, you are ugly…” with an older brother that tried to drown him. I was raised in a non Christian family, but told to excel, was loved and cared for, hugged. I did however have a step grandfather with German roots who said, “Children should be seen and not heard.” I didn’t care what he said LOL. My husband is a retired pastor, but even so has struggled no self esteem whatsoever. The man has a Doctorate in Theology, has a photographic memory, one of the smartest men I’ve ever known and loves me with a love I never had before. But I have, for 47 years, encouraged him, pushed him when needed. It wasn’t until lately that he had a medical issue, a small stroke, and it got his attention….stress the main reason. We talked, prayed and he finally has forgiven in his heart, those that have hurt him through the years. I had prayed for this for years, but the Lord is faithful and full of grace and has changed him. This is the only way people can overcome these things and make it last.