EXCERPTS FROM CHAPTER 9
GET THE LIFE YOU WANT: DISCOVER YOUR PASSION & PURPOSE IN LIFE, WORK, & CAREER
(Beginning at 5.44.28)
If there are no limits on your life, where would you live?
What would you be doing in your leisure time?
What kind of work would you be engaged in?
What would your home & surroundings look like?
As you look at the reality of your life, ask yourself two questions:
First, are you creating the life you want?
If not, why not?
In general, the Nice Guys with whom I have worked have been intelligent, industrious, & competent individuals. While most are, at least, moderately successful, the majority have not lived up to their full abilities or potential. Nor have they created the kind of life they really desire.
Since Nice Guys spend so much time seeking approval, hiding their flaws, playing it safe, & doing the opposite of what works, it makes sense that they fall short of typically being all they can be. This is perhaps the greatest tragedy wrought by the Nice Guy syndrome. Countless intelligent & talented men wasting their lives & wallowing in the mire of mediocrity.
NICE GUYS ON THE JOB
(5.45.53)
Most Nice Guys initially come to counseling to deal with the way their life paradigm is affecting their intimate relationships.
These relationship problems often overshadow the reality that they’re equally dissatisfied with their job, career, or life direction in general.
The dynamics that keep Nice Guys stuck in dysfunctional, unsatisfying relationships, are often the same dynamics that keep them stuck in dysfunctional & unsatisfying vocations.
There are numerous reasons why Nice Guys tend to be less than they can be in life, work, & career. These include fear, trying to do it right, trying to do everything themselves, self sabotage, a distorted self image, deprivation thinking, staying stuck in familiar, but dysfunctional systems.
FEAR PREVENTS NICE GUYS FROM GETTING THE LIFE THEY WANT
(5.51.31)
If I were to identify one common factor at the core of every problem experienced by Nice Guys, it would be fear.
Pretty much everything Nice Guys do, or don’t do, is governed by fear.
Their thoughts are funneled through fear encrusted neurons in their brains. Their interactions are dictated by the politics of fear.
It is fear that prevents the Nice Guys from demanding the raise he has been promised.
It is fear that prevents the Nice Guy from going back to school to get the education or training he needs to pursue a truly fulfilling career.
It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from quitting a job he despises.
It is fear that gets in the way of a Nice Guy starting the business of his dreams.
It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from living where he really wants to live, & doing what he really wants to do.
Nice Guys are afraid of making a mistake, of doing it wrong. Afraid of failure. Afraid of losing it all.
Right alongside these fears of disaster, is the paradoxical fear of success. Nice Guys are typically afraid that if they are truly successful, they will be found out to be frauds. They won’t be able to live up to people’s expectations. They will be criticized. They won’t be able to handle the increased expectations. They will lose control over their lives. They will do something to mess up everything.
Rather than facing these fears, real or imagined, Nice Guys typically settle for operating at a fraction of their full potential.
Trying to do it right prevents Nice Guys from getting the life they want.
The essence of all life is evolution, & change. In order for this process to occur naturally & completely in an individual, a person has to be willing to let go of control. Letting go allows the beautiful, serendipitous chaos of creation to resonate through one’s self. The result is a dynamic, fulfilling life.
Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth & uneventful. They do this by trying to “do it right”, & following the rules. Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any creative life energy. This lid kills their passion, & prevents Nice Guys from living up to their full potential.
Trying to do it right robs Nice Guys of their creativity, & productivity. Striving for perfection keeps Nice Guys focused on their imperfections.
Seeking external validation & approval keeps Nice Guys stuck in mediocrity.
Attempting to hide flaws & mistakes prevents nice guys from taking risks, or trying something new.
Following the rules makes nice guys rigid, cautious, & fearful.
It is because of these self imposed limits, that many Nice Guys are dissatisfied, bored, or unhappy with their life & vocation.
Trying to do everything themselves prevents Nice Guys from getting the life they want.
As children, Nice Guys did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways. Some were neglected, some were used, some were abused, some were abandoned. All grew up thinking that it was a bad, or dangerous thing for them to have needs. All grew up thinking that if they were going to have anything in life, it would be up to them. Consequently, Nice Guys are terrible receivers. They are terrified of asking for help. They are completely miserable when other try to give to them. They have difficulty delegating to others.
Because they believe they have to do it all themselves, Nice Guys rarely live up to their full potential. Nobody can be good at everything, or succeed all on their own. Nice Guys believe they should be able to. They should be Jacks of All Trades. But, they are typically Masters of None.
This childhood conditioning ensures that they will never be all they can be in any area of life.
SELF SABBOTAGE PREVENTS NICE GUYS FROM GETTING THE LIFE THEY WANT
(5.51.31)
Because of their fear of success, Nice Guys are masters of self sabotage. They undermine their success by wasting time, making excuses, not finishing projects, caretaking other people, having too many projects going at once, getting caught up in chaotic relationships, procrastinating, not setting boundaries.
Nice Guys are typically good at appearing competent. But, to be really great, to really rise to the top, invites too much unwanted attention, & scrutiny. The bright lights of success threaten to illuminate their self perceived cracks & flaws.
Consequently, Nice Guys find many creative ways to make sure they are never too successful. If they don’t start something, they won’t fail. If they don’t finish something, they won’t be criticized. If they have too much going on at once, they won’t have to do any one thing well. If they have enough good excuses, people won’t expect too much of them.
A DISTORTED SELF IMAGE PREVENTS NICE GUYS FROM GETTING THE LIFE THEY WANT
(5.52.50)
Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood, Nice Guys develop a distorted view of themselves. With a naïve, immature, logic, they came to the conclusion that if their needs were not important, neither were they. This is the basis of their toxic shame.
At their core, all nice guys believe they are not important, or good enough.
If a Nice Guy was called upon to take care of a critical, needy, or dependent parent, he’ll receive a double dose of toxic shame. A child believes he should be able to please a toxic parent, fix the problems of a depressed parent, & meet the needs of a smothering parent. Unfortunately, he can’t.
As a result of their inability to fix, please, or take care of one or more parents, many Nice Guys develop a deep seeded sense of inadequacy. They believe they should be able to do the job. Nevertheless, they never could seem to do it right, or good enough. Mom was still depressed. Dad was still critical.
This internalized sense of inadequacy & defectiveness is carried into adulthood.
Some Nice Guys compensate by trying to do everything right. They hope that by doing so, no one will ever find out how inadequate they are. Other Nice Guys just give up before they try.
This feeling of inadequacy prevents Nice Guys from making themselves visible, taking chances, or trying something new. It keeps them in the same old rut, never seeing how talented & intelligent they really are. Everyone around them can see these things. But, their distorted childhood lenses won’t let them accurately see their true potential & ability.
The result of this distorted self image is an emotional, & cognitive glass ceiling. This invisible lid prevents Nice Guys from being all they can be. If they do try to rise above it, they bump their heads, & tumble down to more familiar territory.
DEPREVATION THINKING PREVENTS NICE GUYS FROM GETTING THE LIFE THEY WANT
(5.55.00)
Not having their needs adequately met in childhood, created a belief for Nice Guys that there wasn’t enough of what they needed to go around. This deprivation experience became the lens through which they viewed the world.
This paradigm of scarcity & deprivation makes Nice Guys manipulative & controlling. It causes them to believe they’d better hang on to what they’ve got, & not take too many chances. It leads them to resent other people who seem to have what they lack.
Because of their deprivation thinking, Nice Guys think small. They don’t believe they deserve to have good things. They find all kinds of ways to make sure their view of the world is never challenged. They settle for scraps, & think it is all they deserve. They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why they will never have what they really desire. Because of their self-fulfilling beliefs, Nice Guys rarely live up to their potential, or get what they really want in life.
STAYING STUCK IN DYSFUNTIONAL, BUT FAMILIAR, SYSTEMS PREVENTS NICE GUYS FROM GETTING THE LIFE THEY WANT
(5.56.30)
As stated in previous chapters, two major factors prevent Nice Guys from getting what they want in love.
The first is, that they tend to create familiar, yet dissatisfying relationships. They find partners who will help them create the same dysfunctional kinds of relationships they experienced as children. These men, then, frequently see themselves as being victims to the dysfunction of their partners. Nice Guys has a difficult time seeing that they were attracted to these people for a reason.
Second, Nice Guys rarely experience the kind of relationships they want because they are bad enders.
When a healthy person would pack up & move on, Nice Guys just keep doing more of the same, hoping that something will miraculously change.
Nice Guys aren’t much different in their jobs. They are attracted to careers & work situations that allow them to recreate the dysfunctional roles, relationships, & rules of their childhood. They often see themselves as helpless victims to the situation. Rarely do they see why they need these systems to be the way they are, & that they have the choice to leave. Unconsciously recreating familiar family patterns in their jobs & careers keeps Nice Guys stuck & dissatisfied, while they are perpetuating the dysfunction of their childhood, they rarely do what they really want, or rise to the top of their chosen vocation.
REALIZING YOUR PASSION & POTENTIAL
(5.58.20)
I frequently tell the men in my No More Mr. Nice Guy groups, that my goal is for every one of them to leave the group a millionaire. This statement has really very little to do with money or material wealth. It is about discovering passion, & living up to potential.
As stated above, the Nice Guys I council are generally intelligent, talented men. As these men work on recovering from the Nice Guy syndrome, they begin to accept themselves just as they are. This acceptance of the self, allows them to embrace their passions, & face their fears.
The formation of a more accurate view of the self, & world, allows the abundance of the universe to begin flowing freely into their lives. Sometime this takes the form of money. Sometimes, it takes the form of love. Sometimes it takes the form of sex. Sometimes it takes the form of the bright lights of fame. Sometimes, it includes all of the above.
The remainder of this chapter presents a strategy to help recovering Nice Guys become all that they can be. The following pages present a plan that has already helped countless Nice Guys discover their passion, & live up to their potential. It can do the same for you.
FACING FEARS ALLOW NICE GUYS TO GET THE LIFE THEY WANT
(5.59.46)
Charlie could have been the poster child for passionless, underachieving, Nice Guy.
When I first met Charlie, he was stuck in a job he hated, & living a life characterized by mediocrity, & fear. Charlie had completed his engineering degree a couple of years before, yet he was still working at the same job he had held before starting college.
Charlie’s employers had promised him a big promotion upon graduation. When they failed to keep their promise, Charlie just stifled his resentment, & kept on doing the same old thing he had always done.
Charlie’s single passion was flying. In spite of warnings of disaster from his mother, he had begun taking flying lessons after he finished college.
Though Charlie dreamed of earning his pilot’s license, he never seemed to be able to complete the necessary requirements to achieve his goal.
A woman at his work introduced Charlie to my website. When he read the description of a Nice Guy, he was mortified. He couldn’t figure out how someone could know him so well. It took him six months before he worked up the nerve to send me an email. It took him another two months to send me a second. From the first time Charlie looked at my website, he knew he needed to join a men’s group, but the idea of being that vulnerable terrified him.
It was at that point that Charlie made a decision that changed his life. Charlie decided that if something frightened him that much, he needed to face his fear & do it. Little did he know then, but that decision was just the beginning of a journey that would lead Charlie toward the rediscovery of his passion & purpose in life.
Over the next year & a half, Charlie lived by one credo: If he was afraid of something, he confronted that fear.
Charlie’s progress was slow, but steady. Basically, he crawled until he could walk. He took baby steps until he could run. Once he got going, there was no stopping him.
Over a period of about 18 months, Charlie took several steps toward rediscovering his passion & purpose in life.
He became more & more active in his No More Mr. Nice Guy’s men’s group, revealing himself, & confronting fellow group members. He began looking at the neglect he experienced, & the distorted, fear based, messages he received in his family.
He asked his father to come to counseling with him, where he confronted him on his unavailability & his lack of concern for his well being in childhood.
He quit blaming his lack of money for flying lessons on his girlfriend.
He changed flying schools when his current school was unable to provide him with the type of instruction & equipment he needed.
He began interviewing for jobs that took advantage of his engineering degree.
He began confronting his feelings of inadequacy, family messages about playing it safe, & distorted beliefs about his qualification as an engineer.
He confronted his girlfriend, whom he was initially terrified of, about her lack of participation in household responsibilities.
He took his solo flight, & got his pilot’s license.
He allowed his men’s group to take him out for his birthday to a restaurant where he faced his fear of being the center of attention.
He applied for, & got, a job with an engineering firm that expressed a belief that he was capable, talented, & had something to offer their company.
When Charlie told the group about getting the job, I realized that I had witness a metamorphosis of epic proportions. Charlie had gone from being an introverted, frightened, & passive Nice Guy, to an evolving man with passion, & purpose.
I asked Charlie to send me an email with his formula for success. Here’s what he wrote:
“Bob,
Here is roughly how I arrived at the new job:
1.) Very first, before anything else could happen, I had to stop being a victim.
2.) I began by setting boundaries. At first they were small ones, & they grew with time.
3.) From the boundaries being set, & respected, I started believing in myself.
4.) Honesty came along somewhere during this time.
5.) Believing that I am an adult. I have an education. And, I am qualified to take on the role of an industrial engineer.
6.) I always knew that my previous employer was dysfunctional, & that it was comfortable for a reason. When I finally realized, & accepted, that I did not need that system to survive, I could finally move on.
-Charlie”
This concludes our transcript excerpts from Chapter 9.
Charlie broke through by facing his fears. You can, too.
I hope you will listen to the rest of this audio book & find it helpful.
Thank you for participating. Go be all you can be.
END/